It's 11pm on Tuesday Dec 8 and I don't know what to do. Ben is not doing well. He is so skinny, and isn't eating. Just drinking. I am sitting here bawling because I think it is all my fault. I haven't slept in 3 or 4 days, just a couple hours. And I am just tired. Tired of everything.

I have gotten Vicky mad at me but it was my fault. Guess I cared to much. I know better than to become friends with anyone as I always seem to screw it up. Story of my life. I will know better next time. No wonder I don't have any friends heaven forbid a guy friend.

I am ment to be alone. I was always ment to be alone. My worst fear is coming true. Being alone. Christmas means nothing to me right now, Alex can't even show up for a full day. Guess Erin's parents are more important and more fun than I am. All I do is request he come home for Christmas and that isn't even going to happen. Oh well I am used to it.

I have totally screwed up my life big time. To bad I can't go back but no one can.

Time to put on a happy face, :) and just exist.