It's 11pm on Tuesday Dec 8 and I don't know what to do. Ben is not doing well. He is so skinny, and isn't eating. Just drinking. I am sitting here bawling because I think it is all my fault. I haven't slept in 3 or 4 days, just a couple hours. And I am just tired. Tired of everything.

I have gotten Vicky mad at me but it was my fault. Guess I cared to much. I know better than to become friends with anyone as I always seem to screw it up. Story of my life. I will know better next time. No wonder I don't have any friends heaven forbid a guy friend.

I am ment to be alone. I was always ment to be alone. My worst fear is coming true. Being alone. Christmas means nothing to me right now, Alex can't even show up for a full day. Guess Erin's parents are more important and more fun than I am. All I do is request he come home for Christmas and that isn't even going to happen. Oh well I am used to it.

I have totally screwed up my life big time. To bad I can't go back but no one can.

Time to put on a happy face, :) and just exist.

I am NOT going to be a fucking babysitter in Cuba. I refuse. If she thinks that I am going to stick with her while she drinks when she isn't supposed to she has another think coming. Yes I am talking about my sister. She called me tonight to let me know that her appointment was good in Calgary and for fuck sakes she was hammered. Well let her. Let her drink herself to death just like dad did. Just like Mike is. I don't care. And if she keeps up about this Cuba trip and booking it and such well she can go to hell. Just pay the damn deposit and get it over with. Don't freaking sit on it while the price goes up.

What a night. So much for sleeping now. I am too wound up. I can't wait for my holidays. They can't come soon enough. I just want out of this town, out of this province and out of this country. No computer, have to have my cell phone but it will be turned off unless I need it. But 5 days of no work, no part time job, no deliveries coming in 10 minutes before we close. OH I CAN'T WAIT!!

Thank GOD Monday is over. What a day it was. Michelle texted me this morning saying her boy was sick. I almost dumped my coffee on me. I spilled my cereal. And so on and so on ....

My sister got a laptop for her birthday and of course she says it is better than mine. Whatever. She thought you had to unplug it from the wall when you shut it down. Nope wrong!

Aunt Marion & Uncle Bob really upset me tonight. They don't want me to get them the Rita MacNeil tickets for Christmas. Well if I have to take the fucking day off work to drive them there. They piss me off so much I tell you. They have no clue who they hurt when they say things like that. Don't they know that it is something that I want to do for them. That they have no choice in the matter. Grr.....

I did 5k of the Terry Fox Run yesterday and boy was I sore today. But I am going to get back at this weight loss thing. Wednesday is the starting of a new 12 week cycle so it is time for a conscious effort to do this. I go to Seattle in one month today. Then to Cuba in February and I want at least 20 pounds gone by February. So wish me luck.

I talked to Sandra Epton tonight on facebook. Wow it has been so long since I talked to her. She is living in Weyburn Sask right now and we are planning to get together sometime next year. Like OMG that is so exciting. She didn't know my mom passed on and that was 29 years ago so it was well before then when I saw her last. I remember sleepovers at her place on the couch that you could fold up but not a sofa bed. Oh that was so fun!

But I must get to bed, not like I will sleep, I am too excited now.

So I went to see Prairie Oyster at the casino tonight. Sometimes I think I am just torchering myself going to things like that. The band was good though. I had forgotten how much I like them. But then I miss dancing. Why can't it be like it used to be when I lived in Cadomin. Friday and Saturday nights at the legion. I always had men complimenting me, even the married ones. It has been a very long time since I have been asked to dance.

I am missing Jason tonight. Not really sure if I am really thinking that it was a good thing that he left or not. I really am lonely. I have never felt this way before. It still hurts where my heart is and I still feel like crying every night. Guess you can say this is a bad night.

Weight watchers is gone to the way side. I am hoping by doing the Terry Fox Run tomorrow that it will be a turning point to get back on the program. I am not feeling good about myself at all right now. Must be that time of year.

Anywho, time to go, I have to get some sleep so that I can get up and have a bite to eat before the run. Good night

So I am going to make a conscience effort this week to stay on weight watchers & get in some exercise. I am feeling so gross I can hardly stand myself. I feel bloated and just plain unattractive. So I am going to take this day by day. Tomorrow being the first day. I work tomorrow night but I will pick up a veggie tray so that I don't eat the restaurant food. The exercise will be harder to get in. But I will try. 20 min is all I need to do.

Vicky isn't talking to me much anymore which makes me sad but I have to realize that she just came into my life & I made it ok before well kind of. I think I will just post on the weight watcher boards very seldom (except my 3 posts I do daily). I am just a blip on the radar there. My opinions don't really matter much so again no big loss. There are some that are important to me and well they are on facebook so if I need them I can get a hold of them there.

Tomorrow starts the search for someone to level the trailer as well. It seems that Izzy's brother has never done anything like that. So I do hope that I can get it done fairly cheap. There are a few contractors in the newspaper that I will call.

Payday is tomorrow as well. I have to go for groceries on Friday. Stock up the fridge so that I don't buy anything for lunches. I sure need a plan for lunches and suppers. I am sick of the same old same old. I will have to look at some recipes in the next few days so that I can make a list. I am also want to do some fitness classes this fall. I was browsing the Community Spectrum & found 3 that look interesting. 2 are free drop in classes one is a registared one. We will see.

Anyway I will sign off, do some cleaning and get some rest. Sleep is non-existant right now so if I rest at least that is better than nothing.

It's been a while since I have been here. I must make sure I visit more often. July 22 the last time. What has happened since. Well....

July 30, Stephanie and I went to the football game. Montreal was 4-0-0 going into the game and well I guess they had to lose one eventually. But why do they lose when I go to the game? Happened last year as well.

July 31 marked the passing of mom. 29 years ago. Such a long time ago. Sometimes I wonder if I remember her. Then the memories come flooding back. Oh how I loved her, and still do. I often wonder if I made her proud, or if she loved me as well. I know deep down she did, but the side that has no self esteem thinks I still have lots to prove to her. Sometimes I wish she could send me a sign that I will be alright.

August long weekend proved to be interesting as I puppy sat for the kids. I know they will never ask me again as I didn't do a good job. I worked all weekend and couldn't spend much time with him. Poor baby.

Fast forward to August 5, went for coffee with Marci down at the Rivers Pub, plunked $40 into the VLT machine and pulled out $399. Woo Hoo!!

August 7, a busy day. It was my Friday off. At noon I got my 2nd tattoo done. OMG I actually did it. It looks great. Marci came for a visit and Jennifer and her mom as well. It was so good to see them again. Once I was done with the tattoo Jennifer, her mom and I went to Friendship Park across the street and had a lovely picnic. Was so yummy. I was hoping to go for coffee with them when they came back through from Grand Prairie. But circumstances had it that they couldn't.

August 8 I got my hair done. Dyed and cut short again until Sept or Oct when I go see Linda in Seattle.

Another sad day August 11 as that was the 7 year anniversary of dad's passing. Wow that is a long time.

Finally today I went for Prime Rib with Ann and Lisa (the new IT gal for Pengrowth), put in my $40 again into the slots and pulled out $117. Wednesdays are my lucky days I guess. I hope to find someone to level the trailer soon as I want to get the ceilings all pulled down and ready to go for when Alex comes up.

Vicky doesn't talk to me much anymore. She is reconnecting with her family which is wonderful. But I sure do miss her talks. But then again it seems no one gets me any more. No one knows when I am sad or anything. It is very lonely in this body. I cry at the drop of a hat because I feel so empty. My heart beats because it has to. I don't fit in anywhere, I have no friends that are close to me, nobody knows me, the real me. Guess I have a lot to do with that. I don't like giving my heart to anyone that will crush it and eventually it gets crushed. The only one I can count on is me and most days I can't even count on that. I feel like I am just going through the motions. Wake up, go to work, come home, go to Pizza Delight if I have to, come home, go to bed. Such a wonderful fucking life I have.

Finally success at the scale this week.. Although it was not very big only a 0.2 loss but a loss is a loss right. I am at 279 as of tonight. I have made me losing this weight a priority again. I am tracking with MyFoodDiary again and drinking all my water. I have 2 goals in mind now. I want to run part of the 10k for the Terry Fox Run on September 13 and I have decided that when I go to Seattle that if the weather permits I want to do the Mount St. Helen's walk. That will be in October.

I have to shake my head though at my friends. But have to also commend them. They have seen the err of their ways and are correcting them. Well one set of friends are anyway. Marci has to councel herself and take her own advice before talking to other people. I am glad that my friends can confide in me and they know that I would never tell anyone their problems.

Had a fabulouse supper tonight of seasoned pork tenderloin, sirloin steak, baked potato with all the fixings and for dessert a mini black forest cake. Tim came over and did the yard work for me, bless his heart. So I fed him. He has a little over a week before his wife and her kids and his son come back here from Ontario. Again I have to wonder sometimes about the choices that some people make.

Well it is time to get the dog in and read my book before going to bed. Tomorrow is going to be another sunny and hot summer day. Maybe I can get the deck cleaned off?

What a light show I was treated to a fantastic light show coming home from Edmonton last night. At times I thought that the storm was more than a storm as the wind and rain were so heavy at times. But I made it home in one piece.

The potluck yesterday was a good time. 9 out of 10 showed up. Izzy couldn't as she was working at the drop zone. But I got to meet 3 new weight watcher gals. Jan, Dianne and Joni. All very nice ladies. Vicky, Teri, Cathy, Jen Dugas and Jen F were there as well. I told them that I almost didn't come as I don't feel I fit in and was chastised for that. They all told me that I fit in and they would have been angry if I didn't show up. Not sure how I deserved the friends I have now but I thank goodness they came into my life. Never again will I think that I don't belong with this group of wonderful ladies.

I fell down yesterday morning at the Shell station. I fell off the pump island. Thought I may have broken something but didn't but oh my goodness am I stiff and sore today. I made a lot of decisions this weekend as well. I am going to get my 2nd tattoo on August 7th at Laser Ink, with that Steve Cunningham. Everyone has recommended him so I will go there instead of Haze. I also decided that I am getting this weight thing under control. I have to before I really lose the sanity that I have. I know that is why I was so down last week and not myself. So only I can do this for me. Holly asked me why I was on this diet as we only have one life so we should enjoy it. I told her if I lose the weight I will have longer to enjoy this life.

Looks like I am dog sitting for Alex on the 30th of the month, that weekend. I am ok with that I guess. It is hard to say no. If I can help I will he knows that even if it means dog sitting while they are at Band Ranch.

But I am going to head to bed, I have to take a Percocet as I am still very sore. So that is it for tonight.

OMG here it is Wednesday, I am exhausted & well just don't know what to do with myself anymore. I didn't go to my meeting tonight because once again I know I have gained weight. Now I have to lose even more to go back next week. Not sure if that will happen. I went out for supper again tonight, tomorrow there is a BBQ at work and if I go to the pot luck on Saturday how the hell will I be counting that.

Life sucks lately.

Tomorrow is weigh in, not impressed with that but it has to be done. I know I gained the weight back that I lost but oh well. I really don't care anymore and I know I should but I just can't keep going like I am. I hate it I really do. Ahh well that is just part of my existance right.

I have decided that I really don't know who to trust anymore in the way of friends. Marci doesn't give a shit anymore. I called her to pick up some nectarines from me and well she conveintly forgot. So now they are going to go bad. My other friends never call me, and the others that do talk to me live too far away to just go for coffee. So I think I am going to just take a break from everyone and well I am my own best friend.

Had about an hour of sleep last night which is starting to wear on me. That potluck is on the 18th, I am seriously considering not going now. I am not a drinker, I am older than most that are going and I don't really fit in. I never have fit in so why put myself through it. Tomorrow I want to start cleaning the house up. Have to do the dog crate and kitty litter, oh what fun. I think Ann wants to go for wings so we will see about that. Then Thursday is the concert. After that my obligations are met until the 18th and like I said I will really think hard about going to that.

Well time to take my pain killer and head to bed. Maybe read tonight maybe that will help. Who knows.

I'm tired tonight, I think it is because I have a headache but that will go away after I take my advil before bed. I am taking a break from making my Pepper Salad for tomorrows snack lunch. I really don't want to make it but it is almost done.

Wednesday's weigh in is going to be awful. I have to do some damage control before then. Lots of water and hardly any food tomorrow. Maybe just a fruit for breakfast, and then the snack lunch. Thankfully I don't work tomorrow so I don't have to eat supper. I can go to the gym and get on the treadmill for an hour. Hopefully that will take care of some of what I did to my body this week.

Tim came over again yesterday and weeded my whole garden and cut the grass again. To bad there wasn't a single one of him...lol. I was asked tonight if I want a friend with benefits. I have decided that is definately not what I want. I actually sort of have one of them in Garry. I want someone who is reliable and can come to me when I need them, emotionally and physically. I so miss that with Jason being gone. One thing with him was he was always here for me even if he didn't listen. I am beginning to think again that there isn't anyone out there for me. Or why would anyone want me. But I have to get over myself afterall I was alone for many years before Jason came along and I did ok then why can't I get it through my head that I am alone and probably will be for another long time. Oh well, we can't all have what we want right?

Well that salad won't make itself. Once it is done it is into bed for me as I really am not feeling well. Just need a good nights sleep is all. Another wish that won't come true.

Happy Birthday Canada!!

I didn't have to work today mid week and well it is throwing my routine off. Last night I weighed in and lost 1.4 pounds this week and it was a short week. Next week we are back to normal Wednesday weigh in. I don't know what it is but I really hate my routine is disrupted. Back at it tomorrow.

Tomorrow is the opening day for the Eskimos, woo hoo!! They play the Bombers and I am going with Stephanie from work. I am excited. Then Friday is the second part of my sleep test in Edmonton. Teri and I were supposed to go to a Weight Watcher meeting, then to the farmers market then for lunch but she has a work thing on Saturday and can't make it. So I am going for breakfast with Jennifer instead. I am so excited to see her again.

Tim is mowing my lawn as I type this, he is a saint. He said he would feed the dog on Friday night for me and his wife is going back to Ontario on Saturday for a month. So maybe we can hang out while she is gone. Sometimes I miss that. The hanging out thing. He also said he would try and get my weed eater going. I am totally disappointed in Norma's son as he never got back to me about doing my yard. Last time I ever get someone I kind of know to do stuff. I may as well do it myself.

I have been trying to clean up here but I am not being successful. I am getting some done but not much. I want to get hte deck done so the park people don't have anything at all to complain about. That is all I would need to get thrown out of here. So the better I am at keeping the yard up the less they have to complain about.

Well I should go, get something done or try to. I want to get to the gym this evening but I am not sure yet. Again I hate going alone. But maybe I will. The Alouettes play the Stamps at 8 tonight so I want to be home for that. So maybe I will go at 6:30, wish me luck.

Haven't been here since I got home from my mini vacation. It's not that I don't think about writing but I think that what I write is uneventful, boring even. So lets see what has happened since the last time I wrote. I got home. Sure was nice to get home. But then again the boarding kennel where Ben went pissed me off. Told me that he is not welcome there anymore. That's fine I just won't bring him there any more. I will go back to Golden Meadows or to the one in Mayerthorpe that was recommended by my vet. That was Sunday.

Monday I woke up full force with a cold or allergies. Wasn't sure which but now I know it was just allergies. Had to work at the part time job in the evening. Brent started emailing me, not sure about him we will see where it goes.

Tuesday again pretty uneventful. Felt a little better but not really. Holly pissed me right off but that is the norm with her lately. God damn pregnant people :) Went to bed early and that was about it.

Wednesday, oiy. Weigh in day. Wasn't to bad. I was up 1.8 from last week but down a total of 1.0 from the week before so I will take that. More emails from Brent. I think he is not what I am looking for. He has this thing that God and a Higher Power will see him through the tough times. Yeah right. But if that is what he thinks all the power to him. I will stick with it for a while longer just to see where it goes.

And now Thursday. Again I have such a freaking exciting life. Oh well. Another email from Brent. I have decided he is a loser. And well losers attract losers. Wonder if my life will ever get much better than it is now. I kind of doubt it.

Here it is Day 4 of my vacation. Tomorrow I am heading home. Back to the old grind on Monday. Not sure how I feel about that yet. I am sure I will like getting back to a routine but then again it is going to be so busy on Monday I won't have time to think.

I left Dianne's about 9 this morning & got to Calgary at 11:45. I made some good time I thought. Then I picked up Alex & we got the oil changed in the car, the cavalier. I will get the oil done on the Taurus when I have Theo fix the air conditioning in a month. Then Alex & I went shopping & I got a pair of jeans & 3 more shirts with the gift certificate my sister gave me & I still have 29 cents left on it. Then Erin met us there & we went to Kelsey's for lunch. Then back to the condo where we watched TV until I left for Airdrie at 5. I met Tracy for supper at Mr. Mikes & I had this hot hot spicy hot shrimp & rice thing. Did I mention it was hot!! I got back at the condo & talked the kids into ice cream, not much talking had to be done. And we went & bought some movies. Erin had to work at a casino for her friend so Alex & I were going to just hang out. She got to the casino & found out she had no ID so we had to bring it to her. So we stopped off at the Deerfoot Casino & played a bit. Lost but had fun. Came back to the condo, watched Felon & now here I am.

Tomorrow is another full day, going home, stopping at Vicky's, picking up the dog and unpacking. What fun!

What a long day. Day 3 of my mini holiday. We went shopping. And shopping and more shopping. We met Aunt Bebe at the Lodge for lunch, but before that we went to Walmart & bought my sandles. I really like them. I have to check out our Walmart & maybe one in Calgary too for some different ones I liked but they didn't have my color.

At the Lodge I stuffed myself with a clubhouse sandwich, soup & sweet potato fries. Yummers. We then went to the Bay & I got a cute shirt with polka dots for like $11 so cheap. Then over to Sears where I got another shirt for about $17 but it is nice, dressy but not too dressy. I couldn't find any Crocs but I will look at home when I get there. Then we went back to the casino, won back $355 out of the $400 I spent there in the past two days so I am happy with that. Then we went to Aunt Bebe's for supper & it was amazing. Judy was there too. It was sure nice to see her as I haven't seen her in years. She looks good considering her husband passed away not long ago.

On the way back to Di's we stopped at Addition Elle in hopes to spend my gift certificate and well didn't do that as I didn't see anything I liked. But I did get one more shirt for like $10 so I guess that was cool. Melanie phoned on our way back to Magrath, upsetting Di as she usually does. Mel wanted to get drunk or whatever & didn't want to look after her own son. Wow. But I won't get into that as that is a whole other issue. While out on our drive last night we saw some windmills & tonight we went to get some photos of them. We were trespassing on the land but the pictures are worth every minute of it. The windmills are awesome. We watched Gran Torino before I came down to play on the computer. Good show. Could be a keeper.

But it is time I went to bed as I want to get up by 8 tomorrow so I can get out of here by 9. I have to get the oil changed in the morning or I may wait until I get to Calgary instead. I told Alex I wanted to go shopping....LOL

Day number 2 is almost coming to an end. I got to weigh in this morning and I lost 2.8 lbs., then drove to Lethbridge where I went into Addition Elle and bought 2 new t-shirts. Then I got to Dianne's and she gave me my birthday and Christmas presents. WOW is all I have to say about that. She got me a mug, some socks, a book on how to interpret dreams, a book that has 3 stories in it, a travel journal, a wallet and a $100 gift certificate to Addition Elle. Tomorrow I am going to spend it as there was so much I wanted to get in there today!!

After I got here we waited for Derik to get home then we went into Lethbridge, went to Bully's and had some supper then I spent $100 there in the slots. Then it was off to the casino and I dropped another $100 there. So that is it for the gambling now for the two of us.

Tomorrow it is lunch with Aunt Bebe then shopping. How great is this?

OMG!! What a day. It was the first day of my holidays and man I don't think it can get any better.

First I got up to a happy puppy. Whatever was wrong on Tuesday night seemed to clear thank the good Lord. Got all packed up, don't think I forgot anything & if I did well i will just buy it now. Got puppy out to the kennel & I was off.

I got to the Boston Pizza in Wetaskawin at 12:05, pretty good timing I thought, to meet Vicky and her kidlets for lunch. All I had was a salad. Yeah good for me. Then back on the road at 1:30, hitting Calgary and getting to Alex's place before rush hour. We went to Montana's for supper, there I had sweet potato fries and a salad. Again good for me.

Then to the concert. All I can say is wow! Coldplay was awesome. So worth the money spent.

Tomorrow I am going to weigh in at the Fairmont meeting in Calgary at 9:15 then it is off to Lethbridge for 2 days with my sister.

Day one of my holidays was fabulous, how can day two get any better?

2 more sleeps until I get to go see Coldplay. 2 more sleeps and I don't have to work either job for 5 days. 2 more sleeps until I get to see my Alex for a day or so. 2 more sleeps and I will be having lunch with my very good friend Vicky. Oh the joy of 2 more sleeps.

Didn't get a table tonight at work and I wasn't able to go home early because I was closing. I told Steph tomorrow that I will call her to see how busy it is as I would like to get my lawn cut before I go to Calgary on Wednesday. She said sure so that will be a bonus if it doesn't rain tomorrow. I have to pack tomorrow after work so that I can drop the dog off at the kennel at 9 on Wednesday morning then head on out. Hopefully I can get my check tomorrow which is what Angela said tonight so then I will be good to go. Oh the joy of tomorrow.

It is going to be a crazy day on Wednesday but that is ok, nothing I am not used to. And supper at the Cheesecake cafe, yummy. It has been a very long time since I have been there. Last time was with Malinda when we were on that AutoCad course almost 4 years ago now. I remember because I was just starting weight watchers and we went there and had a massive dessert and I still lost that week. Oh the starting of weight watchers I wish I were back there. Then I would be losing again instead of gaining. I really hope I can get to a meeting on Thursday to weigh in. I would like to see a loss this week. I have been pretty good. But it is so hard, especially with so much to lose. Oh well I am the one who got myself to where I am now, I am the only one that can get ot where I want to be.

Well it is time to go. Some guy was just talking to me on MSN, I have no clue who he is and he wanted to meet for a romp in the sac. Like that is not for me. I don't want that, I want something more stable and long lasting. But I don't think there is any man out there that wants that anymore.

Well I didn't get the lawn cut today. Hopefully tomorrow but it is calling for rain. The latest it can get done is Wednesday morning. That was one good thing Jason was for, I didn't have to cut the grass or shovel the snow. Don't get me wrong he was good for other things as well. He would do anything I asked no matter if he wanted to or not. I really made a big mistake with him. Maybe if I was a bit more attentive to him he would still be here. I really would like him here.

I can't find the bag I want to pack for Calgary. I think Alex has it. But now he will probably need all that he can get as he is moving in September. Father away from me. In a place call Carsland. It is another half hour south. Pretty soon he will be far enough away I won't see him at all. I guess there is nothing I can do about it. Everyone I love is moving further and further away. Soon I will have no one again. If it wasn't for Vicky I wouldn't talk to anyone. I tried calling Marci tonight to drop off Haile's gift and there was no answer and I never got a call back. So who knows when I will be able to catch up with them to get the gift to her.

I was lazy today. I got up at 10 and did nothing except watch TV on the couch. Then at noon Ann and I went for brunch at the casino. I was pretty good. I don't know if I will go back anytime soon though. Then I came home let the dog out and fell asleep on the couch until I was called for a delivery at about 5pm. Then I came home for another hour got on the computer before I was called out again. I got home at 9:45 and well that is way to late to do the lawn so it didn't get done and well I really don't want to do anything in the house it is too hot. So nothing will get done again tonight. Just like every other night...

The website is scheduled for an outage not sure if it is at midnight tonight or tomorrow so I better go for now just incase it is for tonight.

The night is almost over. It was a nice hot day here today & my house is reflecting it. I took the dog to get his hair cut & I bet he feels much better. I did some more cleaning today. I can see the bottom of the sinks, parts of the counter & the top of the stove. I even cooked today & brought supper to work with me. I left early since I had no tables & I had my cleaning done. Norma did most of Holly's cleaning so I thought that it would be ok if I left.

Tomorrow I have to cut the grass before it gets too hot. I deliver at work so I will have lots of time to do that. I also have to drop off Haile's b-day present sometime so I can do that as well. I just went out and got the dog & it sure looks like a storm is brewing. It would be nice to get a thunder boomer tonight. I love storms.

I am not feeling the best today but it is better than some days I have had. Stupid me checked the ho Catherine's profile & she has put the picture of Jason & her back up. For 2 weeks it was just a picture of her. Oh there is a storm, just saw lightning followed by a crash of thunder. So to be safe I am going to sut this short.

I never really thought all the sickness & horrible disease in my family affected me. I was too young when mom died, so young in fact I didn't even cry. Then when dad went well we all knew it had something to do with his drinking. Well I went out to see the Pizza Delight gals at the Relay for Life tonight. It was all well & good until they started lighting candles in memory of loved ones who have succumb to cancer or who are survivors. Then they lit Hope Luminary, wow that was moving. A bagpiper was there playing Amazing Grace, that did me in. That got me thinking of my own family & just how many of them have had or still have this horrible disease. And to think that a month ago I had the same scare. I think of my friends who have beat this monster & kicked it in the butt.

I now reflect on my life, or what is my life now & think that I don't want to a statistic or part of the norm in my family. I know I can't stop it if it so happens that I get cancer which I pray I won't but I do know that I will never stop fighting if I do. I think of my mom a lot now that I am older & wonder if I measure up to what she had in mind for me. I wonder if I ever made her proud of me. I wonder why she was taken from me when I was so young. But I thank God that I am here to see my son grow up. I am thankful that I know that I have to do something about my weight or I will get sick.

I guess you can say that tonight was a wakeup call. One that I finally heard. I have to get healthy not just for me but for my family. I miss my mom so very much. Sometimes I wonder if she really knows how much. There is not a day that goes by that she isn't in my heart. My heart may be broken right now but there is a piece of it that is intact. It is intact because that is where my mom is.

It was weigh in day today. I missed 4 weeks & gained almost 8 pounds. It is time to now to get busy and get back with the program as they say. Vicky thinks I am depressed. LOL, if only she knew that I don't believe in that. It is all what you make life & lately I haven't made much of mine. So it isn't being depressed it is being lazy, and all the words that go with that.



Today we had a pig roast at work. That didn't help the weigh in. But it is done and over now. I hope to get to the gym tomorrow but I am not sure if Iwill get off work in time. I also looked at when I could get to a meeting next week. Looks like 9:15 in the morning at one of the Calgary locations. That won't be too bad as then the rush hour traffic will be over with. I must remember to bring my book though.



I am looking forward to going to Calgary but in some ways I'm not. To me it is an expense that I really can't afford but after that it is time to get my life together. I guess Sally wants to go to Veradaro Cuba in Jan or Feb of 2010. So I have to save for that & for the trip to Seattle. I do hope Alex will start paying me the extra for his insurance soon. He figures he owes me $500 yeah that is a start anyway.



I am tired again today. Not tired but exhausted. Sometimes I don't know how I function. People don't understand when I tell them I am tired how tired I really am. I am getting sick of trying to explain myself so I don't say anything about it. Sometimes like tonight it is so bad that I just want to cry. I often wonder why I have been blessed with this but I will take being tired over any thing else. The lump scare was enough for me. I want to live a long & healthy life, free of disease but yet I don't want to live that life alone. And that is what I am alone.



Maybe tomorrow will be a better day

Monday thank god it is over. I feel so exhausted today with a headache to boot. But it is my own fault. I remember getting up at 3am to move from the couch to the bed. Then it was so cold this morning I didn't want to get up. But I did, went to work and everything. Called the pizza place when I got home as I was supposed to work 6-close and told them if they needed me to call. They called at 6:30 for pete's sake. Didn't get home until 9 so I should have went in at 6.

Marci went to the gym tonight, I should of went but didn't feel like it. Maybe starting again on Thursday. I have to pay for the next session at weight watchers so hopefully it will be some sort of incentive to get off my ass and eat right and exercise. I just feel like this is a waste of my time anymore but I have to do this or I will feel like a failure. And feeling like a failure in one aspect of my life is enough for me.

Freaking satellite just went off now. Looks like it maybe an early night. There are some good storms back east that are probably causing the outages. I have to get a hold of Dell as well and get the computer done, then call the bank and get some funds transfered. Oh I can't wait until I get things all caught up so I can start saving again.

But I must go. I am tired, cranky and just want to go to bed and see if I can sleep the whole night. Oh must finish talking to Vicky first then go to bed, maybe start the 2nd book of the Circle Trilogy tonight if my eyes can stay open that long.

It's Friday night & here I am at home writing this. I once said to my sister that her life is what she makes it. Maybe I should take my own advice. I am pretty tired tonight but fear if I go to sleep now I will be up early in the morning. Something that I just don't want to do. Marci wants to go to the gym at 9ish but I like going a little later so that I can sleep in longer. We will see what the morning brings.

I finished book one of the Circle Trilogy by Nora Roberts. Kind of corny but will start book two tomorrow. I have to put the other books I have read in the bag I am bringing to Calgary with me so I can give them to my sister. I can't wait to have like 5 days off both jobs. It will be a treat that's for sure. I have to save all my cash so that I can buy a souvenier from the Coldplay concert. I am still debating whether to bring my computer with me or not. Probably not.

Jason has been gone now for 7 full months. Am I sorry he is gone, no. I know now what I don't want in a man and how I should be treated. Do I miss him? Yes I do. I miss the company, I miss coming home to someone. Am I lonely? You betcha. I am so lonely that it hurts me to the core. I have never felt this lonely ever. I hope I don't live the rest of my life like this. There has got to be someone out there for a person like me.

This past Wednesday I went for my mammogram and breast ultrasound. The doctor gave me a clean bill of health. Such a relief. Now I can concentrate on getting this weight off and snagging myself a male companion. I feel gross and ugly and all that good stuff that women feel. I feel like I can't do the weight loss thing but know that I can.

Any way tomorrow is another day. Hopefully better than today.

It's me again, this time it is almost the end of May. I have had a rough month with finding an abnormality in my breast to paying off my bills just to be broke and have to borrow money. I hate that I really do. But it is no one's fault but mine.

This is going to be a short post as I am not sure what to really say tonight. I was just checking to see if my blog was still here. And well it kind of is so that is good.

So I will sign off and be back tomorrow again